should i stay or should i go?

i've been here for about 10 hours
i feel i should go somewhere else
like home

i know i'm gonna get messed up later
i feel it
yet i do not fear
because i know my faults
i know my choices

a choice i made turned ugly
it grew
and i has got rotten

but i still hang on to it
i even nurture it
it has grown big now
it has grown ugly
it has grown bad

should i stay or should i go?
maybe i should
neither

unsuccessful cooking

spent the whole dawn reading full 5 food magazines and thought: will i ever cook?
i tried to do so

woken up again by my mum, with lots of nag
she nagged me
and she never bores

so i decided to eat alone after they all left for work
there was one problem: breakfast sucks
so i decided again
there was one solution: i'm gonna cook

so i got a piece of cold meat on the freezer
crushed some garlic
poured on some soy sauce
vinegar
calamansi juice
and sprinkled some black pepper

i thought of asking for some olive oil from my ate next door
but i thought: why olive oil?
it felt right
but i did not pursue
went to the cupboard
got some vegetable oil
got content

all i thought was that it would end up right
damn
i haven't even started right
i forgot to turn on the electric stove
so i have to wait for a few minutes
forget it
i looked to my right and there it was: the oven toaster

i put my prepared meat on the toaster plate
turned the toaster on
set it for full 15 minutes
somehow it felt right

when it reached 7 minutes i turned it back to 15 minutes
maybe it would cook better
so i waited

when the toaster alarmed signaling its doneness
i looked at my piece of meat
it looked right

so i took it out
put it on a platter and started on it

what the f*ck
still raw

all for stephenie

almost over

at last i've found my apex
whew

a hard climb
a hard fall

but someday it will be for the good
coz someday it is the best ever

almost over

i'm not floating

i thought blogging was this easy
it never is

you never know what you are gonna put
maybe because my life is so redundant
there's nothing new
there's nothing to blog about

to wake up at 1 in the afternoon with no breakfast
and there it is waiting on the warmer
food from last night's festivities
too much for my stomach to handle

to learn that the only way to your gf's bedroom is
blocked
they put something like a barrier which
i cannot pass thru
it just kills me

i found russ's deleting my comment on his missing james
funny
i'm not surprised
i laughed out loud
after all

after all

i'm not yet wasted

two thirty in the morning. but i'm still facing this machine. maybe after a few minutes i will reconsider going home. maybe. but things will get very complicated when i do. what the hell.

what i thought to be one the best nights of my entire existence turned sour. turned unprofitable. turned ugly. maybe not too ugly. it went out just a little well, unorthodox. what the hell.

but i'm not yet wasted. i'm not drunk. i'm just weird and all. too much is good. but too little could drive you crazy.

here i go again.

i'm grounding myself tomorrow

for the past few months i haven't tired of hanging out just about anywhere. from cafe to cafe, from school to school, from mall to mall. coming home around dawn. i'm so tired i just wanna take a break.

so i'm grounding myself tomorrow. i will try my best to wake up late. i'm gonna relax on the sofa, straight across the tv set, with a beverage on one hand, a bag of chips on the other.

i might just do household chores.
maybe.

but this only takes effect tomorrow. for friday is another day. friday is survivor day. and i think u.p. is having this chill-out party. and that i'm not missing.

i've found my "counselor"

thank whoever it is to thank, namely vera for getting a bit of my point.
but putting that aside:

i really am floating. but at times i feel like having this heavy burden, a yoke i was not willing to take, kinda like "you don't have a choice"
but i did have a choice.
i just didn't take it.

whatever.
i just felt like it.

i saw somebody today. nostalgia overtook me. like the old times.
imok is falling. not into oblivion. but upwards.

one and a half

helping out people in dire need of your knowledge does make you feel light-hearted,

but getting home just in time for an hour and a half sleep before waking up gets you light-headed as well.

all is well if they pass the friggin exam. or else all i've sacrificed(sic) for the night before will be put to waste. although i wasn't the "best" tutor, i think i've made my point.

i just hope their stupid teacher goes with the flow and really sticks to her word: multiple choice and true or false.

two hours, or a one and a half sleep is not a very convenient situation.

honestly. i can tell. i'm going through it. zzz...

i'm half empty, half full

i'm giving up on the wheel of life...
it's fun when you're on top of it but gets real sad when you're at the opposite...
right now i'm in neither, i'm off of it...
for good...
and the best part of it is i can't bother anyone about it...
i hope...
people are really gonna get mad
get sad
get lonely
feel regret
feel resent
feel guilty
and i certainly hope they do...