should i stay or should i go?

i've been here for about 10 hours
i feel i should go somewhere else
like home

i know i'm gonna get messed up later
i feel it
yet i do not fear
because i know my faults
i know my choices

a choice i made turned ugly
it grew
and i has got rotten

but i still hang on to it
i even nurture it
it has grown big now
it has grown ugly
it has grown bad

should i stay or should i go?
maybe i should
neither

unsuccessful cooking

spent the whole dawn reading full 5 food magazines and thought: will i ever cook?
i tried to do so

woken up again by my mum, with lots of nag
she nagged me
and she never bores

so i decided to eat alone after they all left for work
there was one problem: breakfast sucks
so i decided again
there was one solution: i'm gonna cook

so i got a piece of cold meat on the freezer
crushed some garlic
poured on some soy sauce
vinegar
calamansi juice
and sprinkled some black pepper

i thought of asking for some olive oil from my ate next door
but i thought: why olive oil?
it felt right
but i did not pursue
went to the cupboard
got some vegetable oil
got content

all i thought was that it would end up right
damn
i haven't even started right
i forgot to turn on the electric stove
so i have to wait for a few minutes
forget it
i looked to my right and there it was: the oven toaster

i put my prepared meat on the toaster plate
turned the toaster on
set it for full 15 minutes
somehow it felt right

when it reached 7 minutes i turned it back to 15 minutes
maybe it would cook better
so i waited

when the toaster alarmed signaling its doneness
i looked at my piece of meat
it looked right

so i took it out
put it on a platter and started on it

what the f*ck
still raw

all for stephenie

almost over

at last i've found my apex
whew

a hard climb
a hard fall

but someday it will be for the good
coz someday it is the best ever

almost over

i'm not floating

i thought blogging was this easy
it never is

you never know what you are gonna put
maybe because my life is so redundant
there's nothing new
there's nothing to blog about

to wake up at 1 in the afternoon with no breakfast
and there it is waiting on the warmer
food from last night's festivities
too much for my stomach to handle

to learn that the only way to your gf's bedroom is
blocked
they put something like a barrier which
i cannot pass thru
it just kills me

i found russ's deleting my comment on his missing james
funny
i'm not surprised
i laughed out loud
after all

after all

i'm not yet wasted

two thirty in the morning. but i'm still facing this machine. maybe after a few minutes i will reconsider going home. maybe. but things will get very complicated when i do. what the hell.

what i thought to be one the best nights of my entire existence turned sour. turned unprofitable. turned ugly. maybe not too ugly. it went out just a little well, unorthodox. what the hell.

but i'm not yet wasted. i'm not drunk. i'm just weird and all. too much is good. but too little could drive you crazy.

here i go again.

i'm grounding myself tomorrow

for the past few months i haven't tired of hanging out just about anywhere. from cafe to cafe, from school to school, from mall to mall. coming home around dawn. i'm so tired i just wanna take a break.

so i'm grounding myself tomorrow. i will try my best to wake up late. i'm gonna relax on the sofa, straight across the tv set, with a beverage on one hand, a bag of chips on the other.

i might just do household chores.
maybe.

but this only takes effect tomorrow. for friday is another day. friday is survivor day. and i think u.p. is having this chill-out party. and that i'm not missing.

i've found my "counselor"

thank whoever it is to thank, namely vera for getting a bit of my point.
but putting that aside:

i really am floating. but at times i feel like having this heavy burden, a yoke i was not willing to take, kinda like "you don't have a choice"
but i did have a choice.
i just didn't take it.

whatever.
i just felt like it.

i saw somebody today. nostalgia overtook me. like the old times.
imok is falling. not into oblivion. but upwards.

one and a half

helping out people in dire need of your knowledge does make you feel light-hearted,

but getting home just in time for an hour and a half sleep before waking up gets you light-headed as well.

all is well if they pass the friggin exam. or else all i've sacrificed(sic) for the night before will be put to waste. although i wasn't the "best" tutor, i think i've made my point.

i just hope their stupid teacher goes with the flow and really sticks to her word: multiple choice and true or false.

two hours, or a one and a half sleep is not a very convenient situation.

honestly. i can tell. i'm going through it. zzz...

i'm half empty, half full

i'm giving up on the wheel of life...
it's fun when you're on top of it but gets real sad when you're at the opposite...
right now i'm in neither, i'm off of it...
for good...
and the best part of it is i can't bother anyone about it...
i hope...
people are really gonna get mad
get sad
get lonely
feel regret
feel resent
feel guilty
and i certainly hope they do...

after nicotine and cigarettes

i honestly hope this goes away
the sour aftertaste of menthol cigarettes
my lips tremble everytime i inhale the fume
my stomach upsets like i've had a bad day
and i think i did
but it doesn't matter
everytime i smoke, i don't think of lung cancer and nicotine sticking on my teeth
i don't
maybe i do
but care, no

dull and boring amf

omg life is so boring,
so redundant, so cyclic.
im too bored. there's nothing new with me,
there's nothing new with the people around me.
amf...

boring...

drunk and driving

i do not know exactly why am i posting when i am drunk and driving. drunk because we just had this drinking session near school coz of a friend's birthday. driving because im currently driving meself mad. im mad because it wasn't enough. i'm not totally drunk mind you. and i totally miss somebody. lolz.

I have to set things straight again

this time I'm setting bended twinges back into vertical conformity once and for all... for the umpteenth time i've been trying to induce meself to blog, write, blog etc but things always seem to slip thru my cerebellum or cerebrum what the hell... i found a new way to spend my precious time: nothing. i'm tired of waiting for somebody to intervene on what has been happening. i need somebody, anybody, even mr. duarts who i sordidly miss. sana this time i get things right, spend my money right, spend my time right. even get 4 + 5 right for god's sake.

si imok ambot

si imok ambot
nganong nangutot
nasimhutan sa lamok
kalouy natepok

kinsa ni si imok
nga sigeg lag hagok
momata motindog
gahagok gabarog

kung si imok mobarog
mapuling sa abog
kay siya mangutot
ay si imok ambot

rainy day

i woke up this morning feeling grumpy and glum. and i should be. i mean its dark, cloudy and wet. it has been raining for an hour i've heard. surprise! my plans for the day are annihilated. and i mean genocide. what could happen good on a rainy day such as this? and when i got down to have some "breakfast"(take note: its noon), something magical met me: the table is empty, the ref is barren, the pots have nothing on them, all because they decided to eat early outside. bummer. i looked at my wallet, oh no. less than a hundred. so i gave up on breakfast, and maybe lunch. i went back up to the third floor and sat on the porch, hoping to spot anything that would replace food. and there, just across me, the most beautiful person you'd see on a rainy day. hunger and glum forgotten...

to start anew

i'm just ashamed of myself.
lolz.
i haven't posted on this thing for months.
now i'm gonna start anew.
thanks to my powerful memory.

the unusual trip

i haven't had the proper sleep last night. i went to bed early, early in the morning that is, about 3am. it was freezing. unfortunately, i again slept on the coldest part of the house, the third floor. so about 6am i could not take it longer, i went staight to cuzin's bedroom and slept. for 2 precious hours i slept soundly. but as i was beginning to dream, somebody was waking me up. it was claymarck. i could easily have one back to sleep and ignore him but he said it was urgent so i withdrew all my irk and got up. he then told me i forgot to print out another document i was typing for him last night. our pc had no working printer and the nearest cafe was about 200 meters away so i had to walk to get there and print out the documents while he was taking care of his daughter. i told him that it was still to early for any cafe to start business. still he persuaded me. it was 8am anyway so i got convinced. he said it was important for him to submit the documents because it was connected with his job. he was already dressed for work so he came along. but when we got there, the cafe i went last night was still closed. so we moved on to the other cafe a few meters away. closed again. then i told him just to go any cafe near colon or any school for sure there were cafes open at this time of the day. but he went desperate. he asked if i could go with him to colon. no way. i was wearing my sleeping clothes and i'm not going to colon without a toothbrush. still he persuaded me. so we go to colon about 15 minutes later. when we got to uc, luckily we found an open cafe just about to open. i quickly asked the cafe personnel to print out the document, to get this thing over. after that, clay and i parted. he went to work, i went to eat before going home. when got home, i slept again, with the door locked of course.

the stomach aches

Dammit, I can’t sleep. I woke up 4 a.m. due to a bad stomach and went down hurriedly to avoid a disaster. Spent some fifteen minutes sitting on the throne, contemplating, regretting why I ever slept on the coldest part of our house, the third floor. Did what was to be done, I stood up and washed and went back to bed. Thirty seconds later, I found myself climbing down the stairs, in a mid run, rushing again to the comfort room, still contemplating and regretting why I ever slept on the coldest part of our house, the third floor. I went back fifteen minutes later, feeling secure it wasn’t going to happen again. And Mother Nature just keeps on teasing me. I look out and it starts to rain. Then it starts to get very cold. Not again. My stomach starts to grumble again. God help me.
Found my self still awake an hour later. I dunno if I’m ever sleeping again. My cousin’s alarm just went off; it’s officially five 5:15 in the morning. She rises, looks around. Sees me lying on my bed, ignores me, and then searches for her towel and climbs down. Lucky her, her stomach’s not grumbling. Dammit, mine’s still is.

bee stings so bad

I got bit by something I never recognized. I was holding the gate of the back door open when suddenly something stung me on the pinky finger of the right hand. The pain was so agonizing I screamed. I looked at my finger, and saw something, some black something with white goo oozing out of its ass. I quickly snatched the wicked thing and threw it on the dusty pavement. I studied my wound, which was still stinging, and decided that looking at it would do me no good. I went back into the house, found my mom in her bedroom and asked for help. She calmly searched for her spectacles, found it in her shoulder bag, studied my wound, which was still stinging, and transformed into an inquisitor. She asked, what bit you? I replied, “no idea”. “Was it a centipede”? “Hell, no! If it were a centipede, I would be dead by now”. “Is your whole arm stinging?” “No, just the whole pinky finger.” After a few moments, she concluded. “It’s a bee that stung you”, pointing out the round wound. I looked at my wound, which was still stinging, and added. “At least I’ve experienced being bit by one”. She then opened on of her drawers, pulled out one of her weird smelling oils, applied it on the wound and transformed back into my mother. She asked, “does it still hurt?” “Yes, still.” I replied. She then stood up, walked to the door and said, “come, its dinner time”.